Thoughts

There is a Darkness

There is a darkness inside each of us, that part of ourselves that is irreparably damaged by the hardness of life. We are what we are because of this darkness, or perhaps in spite of it. Some use darkness as a shield to hide behind, others as an excuse to behave unconscionably. But darkness is simply a part of the whole, neither good nor evil, unless you make it so.

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Event

Here’s to 17

To my wonderful husband. You are the best and greatest. You’re the very nicest part of my whole life besides Asha. Here’s to 17 years, look at us here, mere babes in the woods, we’ve come so far and still going strong. We’re gonna break all the love records (though I think Heather’s grandparents just celebrated 60 years so we still have a ways to go lol) but I am confident that we’ll make it through, I have faith in us, I really do, I think if anyone can do it, it’s me and you. I love you so much. Happy anniversary!

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LOL

Now I Know

I asked Jason how his night was and he said, “Well, I found out I’m not gay!” I paused in whatever I was doing and said, “I’m gonna need you to elaborate.” Jason said, “Well, I was at what I guess was a gay club and I was playing this skeet shooting game with a hot girl and her two guy friends. She kept putting quarters in and we kept playing and playing and it was really fun. Then I went to the bathroom and her guy friend came in and said he wanted to give me a blowjob.“ I said, “If the guy wanted dick, you should have given him dick. Who are you to deny the man a cock.” Jason said, “Well, that’s what I’m saying, that’s how I know I’m not gay, because I didn’t like it.” “Oh,” I said. “So you did let him give you a blowjob.” “I didn’t really let him, per se,” Jason said. “It was all just suddenly happening.” “I was not expecting this to be the way your story ends,” I said. Jason said, “The guy followed me into the bathroom and he wanted to give me a blowjob, and then his friend came in, and then the girl came in, and I was just caught off guard.” “Well,” I said, “it was very open-minded and generous of you to take part.” “It was really quick, like 5 seconds, and I told him I didn’t like it. And then he got all mad, and then his friend got mad, and then the girl got mad too, and then everyone left.” “Maybe don’t tell a gay guy he sucks at giving blowjobs,” I said. “I probably shouldn’t have said anything,” said Jason. “This is the greatest night out story that anyone has ever told me,” I said. “Well, at least now I know I’m not gay,” Jason said. “I’ve often wondered.” “Hm,” I said. “Yeah, I guess at least there’s that.” I threw my head back and laughed and I couldn’t wait to tell this story to Dylan.

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Family

Being = Having

My mother killed herself when I was not yet 4. I was raised by other people with other families and was moved around often. I wasn’t wanted, supported or loved. I didn’t have a family that was really mine and I’ve been on my own since I was 15 years old. The main reason I had Asha was to give her the mother and the family I wished I had. Having Asha was the best decision I ever made and Asha is the best part of my life so far. Caring for Asha gives me purpose and loving her fills me with joy. Not to sing my own praises, but I am a wonderful mother. I’m a wonderful mother because I’m being the mother I longed for. In being a good mother to Asha, in a way I get to have a good mother too, because on some level, being is the same as having. And so I am the best mother and Asha is the luckiest girl.

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Advice

Windshield

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. Train your mind to see the good in everything. Negativity is a dead end and never leads to success. Positivity is your responsibility, positivity is a choice. Remember, where you are headed is more important than where you were. That’s why the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.

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Sharing

A Perfect Five Days

This year I went to Shambhala for the first time in 3 years and it was my first time being separated from Asha for more than a few hours. Dylan’s parents flew from Ottawa to Vancouver to housesit for us, take care of the dogs and Asha. It was so exciting to finally go out and party and get amongst it again, but I almost backed out of going because I was scared I’d spend the whole time missing Asha. Also I was worried Asha would miss me so much she’d be difficult to care for and impossible company. I ended up going with Dylan and Ngoc and Dylan’s parents got to bond with their grandchild and with Feather and Daisy. Shambhala was absolutely wonderful and Asha had a great time with grandma and grandpa. She also got to spend time with uncle Max and auntie Heather and with aunt Dianne and uncle John. They took Asha everywhere, to a farm, out hiking, to the beach, to parks and the aquarium. Asha had the time of her life and I got to hang out at our favourite music festival and have fun. I missed Asha so much and never stopped thinking about her but got texted lots of pictures and details of all the fun she was having. Asha also managed to finally stop breastfeeding during this time too. I hadn’t planned on breastfeeding for so long and was struggling with weaning Asha as smoothly and naturally as I could. Being physically fully gone and separated from her for several days made achieving successfully ending nursing straightforward and easy. Everything was so well timed and it all went great. It ended up being a basically perfect five days away. I’m so grateful to have such fantastic relatives and such a wonderful family. Shambhala was magnificent and returning home was beautiful. I love Feather, Daisy and Asha with my whole heart. I love each of my girls so much and I can’t wait to go back to Shambhala again next year.

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Family

The Girls Got Along

Asha met her second cousin and she was so in love. The girls got along beautifully. Keeva is like the big sister I wish Asha had. Asha wants to play with Keeva every day all the time. It’s too bad Keeva’s family doesn’t live in town. Hopefully they’ll visit again soon and often.

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Sharing

I Didn’t Mean

Oh look I cut myself some bangs. I didn’t mean for them to be so short, I kept trimming and trimming in efforts to get them straight and this is where we landed. A little bit wack but approximately cute? Don’t answer, the question probably is rhetorical.

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Family

It Delights Me

It delights me to perhaps an unreasonable degree whenever husband and baby do some twinning. I often try to get Dylan to twin with me but he is utterly resistant, he thinks twinning is lame and that only losers do it, I vehemently disagree. I mean, come on. Is twinning not absolutely wonderful? Don’t they look darling? I can’t even.

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Event

Dear Dylan,

You are a marvelous human being. Feather and Daisy are lucky to have you as their pack leader, Asha is lucky to have you as her daddy, I’m lucky to have you in my life, it’s a joy and an honour to be your wife. Thank you for everything you are, thank you for all that you do. You are the best. I love you.

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