Okay so I’m throwing a big special 13th anniversary 3rd wedding housewarming birthday party rave! Here’s my Amazon wish list in case y’all wanted to buy us gifts シ My birthday’s not until October 12 and the party’s on October 13 but some of the listed items are from China so I want to leave sufficient time for shipping. This actually might be the greatest wish list ever created, I had a lot of fun making it. In fact I forced Dylan to look at it often while I made high pitched sounds and behaved excitedly. “Only you,” said Dylan. But take a look, because it’s just a sensational collection of items. If you know anyone who is even remotely like me, they’d be stoked to receive anything from this list.
Oil painting by Markus Åkesson
I said, “I wish there were ten of me to get a ton of shit done every day all day that would be amazing. It would be perfect, we’d all do great work with great results and I wouldn’t have to explain anything, because they’d all be me, so I’d always do what I want in the way that I want at all times always. I could dance, draw, eat, exercise, learn a language, learn an instrument, make music mixes, read, relax, shop, sleep, study, travel, write, paint and create, all at once. I think God really fucked up by not giving me this option.” Dylan said, “So do I get to make out and have sex with all of the clones?” “Listen, buster,” I said. “The clones are for me to make mad progress from many highly productive simultaneous actions. They’re not for you to get your rocks off. You’re not supposed to disrupt my work.” Sheesh. Husbands. “So, no?” said Dylan.
Since everyone is always asking, I am 42 years old, and I turn 43 in October. My birthdays are October 8 and October 12, yes I have two birthdays. I used to hide my age or lie about it but now I realize that that’s fucking dumb. There’s nothing wrong whatsoever with whatever age you are, what’s wrong is being made to feel embarrassed or ashamed about something as natural and beautiful as growing up.
Photographic collages by Yang Yongliang
Feather and Daisy fill me up with intense sensations of happiness and affection and colossal amounts of nearly unfathomable joy. They make my heart feel weightless, they make it float and explode. I love these two a hundredfold. Maybe I love them a thousandfold. All of the folds.
If it’s true that dealing with many sudden and intense episodes of morning sickness , vomiting and nausea in the first trimester is a sign of a healthier more intelligent child , than this baby is going to be an athlete and a genius. I’m kind of thinking though that they tell women these things to make all the suffering easier. If it’s true though than yeah, I’ll fucking suffer. It’s just annoying that all the things I usually do or take to deal with feeling shitty are off the table so I’m up “shit creek” so to speak and all I can do is complain. For all of you who don’t enjoy a complaining woman shut the fuck up and let a lady air her grievances. If all she’s “allowed” to do is bitch about shit in order to feel better, than let her, don’t take that away from her too. Just listen, tell her you’re sorry she feels badly, and tell her she’s beautiful, even if it isn’t true. Because as somebody once said, all women need to keep living are water, food and compliments. Thankfully these bouts of feeling shitty are brief. I just scooped both dogs up in my arms, held them tight, danced with them, sang them a song, felt joyful and buoyant. Looks like I’m in for a fucking real rollercoaster of a ride, and so especially is Dylan.
When I have a baby, I’m gonna spend the nine months deep inside a k hole coming out just long enough to smoke cigarettes and drink vodka straight from the bottle. Then I’m gonna head straight for a c-section and tell them to give me like ten epidurals so that I’ll feel zero pain and have to do zero work. Then I’m gonna breastfeed the kid wherever I damn well please and for as long as the damn kid needs it, I don’t give a fuck if he’s seven. And I’m gonna homeschool him and never get him vaccinated not because I’m an anti-vaxxer per say but just to piss people off. I’m hoping my child’s first words will either be “God is dead” or “Go fuck yourself.” Anyway no I’m not being completely serious though I kind of wish I was, and I’m not as angry as I sound, in fact I’m smiling right now. I’m listening to Rage Against The Machine’s self-titled first album at top volume on the PK sound system and it’s awesome. God bless America.
At my 13th anniversary 3rd wedding weekend housewarming birthday rave, RuPaul will officiate, William will give me away and Bassnectar will dj. Gala and Anastazia will stand in for our parents, YO-LANDI will be Maid of Honour, Aquaria, Hungry, Kim Chi, Valentina and Violet Chachki will be bridesmaids. Devon will be Best Man alongside Dov, Chris, Chris, Stephan and Robb G. Feather will be the Ring Bearer and the Flower Girl will be Daisy. Dylan will wear a white suit by Rick Owens and I will wear a black gown by Gia Gelareh. Dinner will be by Morimoto. There will be dancers, twerkers, strippers, hoopers, silk workers and ballet. Illusionists will perform magical tricks and special friends will make special speeches so we can hear nice things said about us all evening. Musical guests will be ill.Gates, NIGHT NURSE, What So Not, Sean Paul, Dillon Francis, Skrillex, Congo Natty, Chopstick Dubplate, Dubconscious, Aphex Twin, Die Antwoord, Mr. Carmack, Diplo and MØ, and all the drag queens will put on a sensational show. This will be one for the books. Maybe not all my dreams will come true but at least no one can fault me for thinking too small or being boring. The world inside my head is exciting and beautiful, I don’t know if you noticed. I think the best way to destroy reality is to dream the drabness away. Imagination is the mother of invention and I’ve got dreams for days.
Oh my god I just made a perfect cup of coffee for once in my life, I’m a grown ass woman finally. What next? Solving world hunger, stopping all wars, clean drinking water for everyone, cures for every illness and disease, peace in the Middle East? Better do it quick since this is my good hair day. Dylan is going to be so stoked when he gets home to see how much his goddamn wife has levelled up. I just washed and chopped up a pile of fresh vegetables, fried a duck egg and grilled some sausage. In other words I cooked for like the third time ever and it was actually pretty fucking good. Like who am I. I am the type of person that climbs up onto a chair to get at a hard to reach cupboard in order to use some rarely chosen cups and the dishes high up at the back so that they get their “day in the sun.” I actually worry about these things. God probably does a lot of rueful headshaking and sorrowful shrugging whenever he gets an eyeful of me. But maybe God now is just a little bit stoked to see that, despite it all, one of his dark horse experiments might actually be working.
If you’re feeling tired, uninspired, bored, depressed, lonely, annoyed, frustrated, flat, aimless, directionless or dull, you should exercise. You will feel better. A little bit of exercise does a body good, so just imagine a lot. Get some exercise, and don’t skimp on it. If you skimp on anything in this life, it should not be exercise. Put the work in, your body will thank you for it. Don’t just take my word for it, actually do it. It’s 100% worth the effort. The harder you challenge yourself, the greater your efforts, the better the results and the more it’s all worth. Trust me. I speak the truth. Exercise is the best cure all and it’s the best high, besides loving dogs.
Always stand up for what matters, regardless of what side you’re supposed to be on. Speak the truth, even when your voice is faint. Do what’s right, even when it hurts.
ONRA Pearl Song
THE TOXIC AVENGER Gloomy Sunday
WHETHAN FEAT. CHARLI XCX Love Gang
ALKALINE Love Yuh Everything
MAJOR LAZER & DJ MAPHORISA Particula
MACHINEDRUM FEAT. MELO-X Angel Speak
ZEDS DEAD FEAT. MEMORECKS Collapse
ZEDS DEAD FEAT. ATLAS Lights Out
FLUME FEAT. ISABELLA MANFREDI TRUST
SPECTRASOUL FEAT. T. BLESSA Away With Me (Calibre Remix)
BCEE FEAT. P. HANNA Back to the Street (NuTone Remix)
CONGO NATTY FEAT. PETER BOUNCER Junglist
INFECTED MUSHROOM Where Do I Belong
FEED ME & KILL THE NOISE FEAT. ANJULIE Crazy Maybe
GRANDTHEFT & KEYS N KRATES Let Me Tell You Something
BIG WILD Ascension