Thoughts

Barely Awake

I thought breastfeeding would be hard and weird or that I would be too self-conscious and embarrassed to really do it. I thought I would give it a go, find it annoying and difficult, say fuck this and head straight to feeding my baby formula. I didn’t expect to actually enjoy breastfeeding or to discover that I’d be good at it. Also Asha is good at latching so we began breastfeeding successfully together unusually fast. Everyone was surprised and impressed by our teamwork, I am breastfeeding all the time and it touches my heart to see how much good it’s doing Asha, how healthy and happy it makes her, how much she’s stoked. I rarely put on make up, I barely comb my hair, I saunter around the house topless in my underwear ready for the next breastfeeding session. I’ve become this focused feral woman intent on feeding my child continuously and naturally, I find it incomparably satisfying. The skin to skin contact during each breastfeeding session is incredibly rejuvenating and beautiful, there’s no nicer or better feeling, it’s a mother and child bond I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’m exhausted, I’m barely awake, the house is a study in chaos, I am still recovering from the surgery and from birth, it hurts to bend and laugh and move, but I’ve never been happier. I am wholly embracing the wonder, challenge and joy of being a mother and I am so completely in love with my baby girl.

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