In heaven I’m going to eat a pile of donuts and drink a bunch of beer, forever. Get drunk, stuff my fucking face, sit on a cloud and yell at people. “Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.” Also I won’t share. Tell everyone to get their own goddamn donuts and beer. Plus I won’t sing hymns. Fuck that. I might however still write my little stories. Lay down wry vignettes about God, ruthlessly chronicle all his errors and highlight his mistakes. Spend the rest of my time rolling my eyes and smirking.
A girl asked me “do you want to be in my gang” I said “what are the requirements” she said “you have to be a little bit Asian and a little bit crazy” I said “you just 100% described me.” My dentist swears up and down that someone comes into her office that looks exactly like me, she even talks like me and has the same laugh apparently. My dentist had all the dental assistants and the receptionists gather around to see and they murmured agreement. I said listen I don’t know who this bitch is but I’d love to meet her she sounds amazing. “Dissolve” by Liquid Stranger is a wonderful song and so is “Dark Souls” by Eprom.
letgo and Facebook Marketplace are the fucking business. It’s such a rush finding incredible items for an incredible price. I’m basically high from today’s successes. It’s only been a day but I’m already in love with LA. I don’t know why but getting good deals make me delirious. Dylan says it’s because I’m Asian.
My 2016 resolution was “no more blowjobs” but by half past midnight I had a cock in my mouth. That’s probably the funniest headline I’ve seen perhaps ever. I actually love it. It’s important to be a good host but it’s also important to be a good guest. It’s a two-way street. It takes two to tangle but it also takes two to get along. Lastly, I’m going to start calling people hoser. I’m gonna bring hoser back.
Escape the room, if we all did it separately, Dylan, Max and Heather would be the first to escape and I would never get out. To be fair though this time for once I solved a couple of clues and was somewhat useful. Archery games was a lot of fun and turned out to be a good even gruelling workout. Max was the most forceful, Dylan was the meanest, Vince was tactically fluent and I turned out to be both fast and accurate. Dylan injured the most people including himself. We liked this fun family sport so much I think we’ll get the equipment and set up our new place so we can play these games at our loft. The place is so enormous it’ll be perfect for all kinds of craziness like this.
If I had known the positive effects of quitting drinking would be this immediately clear and obvious, I would have quit years ago. I look and feel amazing, better than I have in maybe my whole life. I’m glad I quit smoking for sure, but I’m even happier about the drinking. I do miss drugs though, I’ll admit that. Good thing I’m already so interesting and cool naturally though right, I don’t need that shit I know. But I’m learning it’s not about need. It’s about what you think you need. “Maybe God is either space or gravity,” I said. “Those are my guesses. What are your guesses?” “I don’t guess,” said Dylan.
Pro tip: TroyBoi mixes really well into TroyBoi and What So Not mixes great into What So Not. Dylan says you should never play two tracks by the same artist in a set back to back unless you are that artist. I say pshaw to Dylan. Earlier I was picturing myself pregnant and in my mind I looked absolutely spectacular with my enormous looming belly. You really can’t beat that silhouette. We just watched Julieta and it was wonderful. Pedro Almodóvar makes beautiful films. Next we’ll watch something by Michael Haneke, he’s another director we’ve always liked.
Some of you might not know this, but my name “Nunich” is the Dutch German Canadian re-imagining of my Laotian nickname which means “litte bird” so flying with Jo was both fun and appropriate. Also according to Dylan nearly half of my conversation amounts to statements like “I’m hot” and “I have to pee” so I guess it’s good I know how to write since I suck at talking.
I thought quitting smoking, drinking and doing drugs would be hard but actually it hasn’t been hard at all. We’ve been staying home holed up hiding and working though not going out to clubs and shows in order to avoid temptation and the possibility of relapsing. We’re not going to go out until we’re strong enough to do it without breaking down. So far so good and actually I’ve never looked or felt better, in fact I think I look and feel better than I did when I was twenty. I always knew smoking was bad and drugs were bad, I didn’t know that actually alcohol’s the worst of all. Take it from me, if you want to look and feel your best and notice an immediate and amazing improvement, quit drinking. I almost can’t even believe it. Looking and feeling so great more than makes up for not being able to drink. Now I just gotta see if I can go out, dance, have energy and be fantastic company without drugs or drinking. One day at a time right you guys. Straight edge is awesome, just gotta figure out how to do it without being preachy or dull. What makes being bad enjoyable is danger and risk, the challenge is to somehow make being good fun.
Dylan emerged from music making saying, “That’s it, I don’t think I can produce anymore.” “Great,” I said, “let’s stick this pickle up your bum.” “I don’t know about that,” said Dylan nervously. “Do it,” I said. “Life is for the living. What are you waiting for. Try something new.” “I should clean up that bassline and fix those drums,” said Dylan and he hurried back into the studio.
Apologies to anyone who might’ve been triggered by my recently calling all men retards. Fag is another word that can get me in trouble, especially since many of my closest friends are queer, a lot of the best people in the world are homosexual, and some of my straight single male friends might as well be, so much so that I often tease them for it. Like the reason they can’t get girlfriends is because they’re obviously gay. One sensitive straight male friend once stood tragic before me and said, “Nunich, it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel sad, when you say I’m gay and call me a homo in front of my friends.” “You know why it hurts your feelings and makes you feel sad?” I asked. “Because you’re a fucking fag,” I said. “That’s why.”
If people don’t love you for who you are, you should ignore them, or tell them to go fuck themselves. You should never change for somebody else, you should only change because you want to change, because you know you need to change, because you want to be better, and you know you can be better, never because someone’s trying to live your life for you or control you. You should be your biggest threat to yourself, and you must also be your biggest supporter. You are your own worst enemy, and you also gotta be your own best friend. Once you master that shit, everything else is icing. And we all know that icing is great, but icing is worthless without the cake.
I read an article about a leading psychologist who made troubled couples build Ikea furniture together as an ultimate form of couples therapy. There’s a certain cabinet that’s such a nightmare to assemble it’s been labelled “The Divorce Maker.” I had to laugh picturing all these angry frustrated couples trying to assemble the thing and failing hard, they probably hated each other mere moments into the challenge, on top of the animosity, dissatisfaction and resentment they already felt going in. If that were Dylan and I, shit would go down pretty easy and straightforward. I’d just say, “Sweetheart, darling, illest person of all time. Build this insanity furniture and build it good. Call me over when you’re finished, so I can exclaim over the beautiful efficiency and nimble quickness of your great work.” Then I’d tuck off in a corner somewhere, kick back with a book and a drink, sigh deeply and smile to myself over how nice life is. What people in relationships sometimes forget is that you shouldn’t try to control each other, and you shouldn’t force things. You should shine on as the crazy diamonds that you independently are, and love each other for the very independence of your singular shining. There’s gotta be a heads and a tails, else there can be no quarter, no sunrise can blow your mind if the sun never sets, and anyway both sunrises and sunsets are magnificent.
After a bit of thought and research, I’ve concluded that “Ass N Titties” by DJ Assault might be the greatest song ever written. Lyrically there’s just no candle that can hold to that. “ Beat That Bitch (With a Bat) ” by Johnny Dangerous is also a strong contender alongside certain other tenacious tunes such as “The Percolator ” by Cajmere and Lil B’s “Wonton Soup.” Thirty on my dick on that court like Spalding . B itches suck my dick because I look like JK Rowling. Okay so I don’t know what Lil B looks like but I’m willing to bet that he doesn’t totally resemble JK Rowling. I mean I’m pretty sure out on the streets Lil B has been mistaken for JK Rowling zero times. And, I don’t know, are bitches even flocking to her for purposes of somehow sucking mad dick? I fail to see how any level of resemblance as such would lead to a tsunami of blowjobs , or even just one, for anyone . Still though my favourite is “Tightest” by Busy Signal. Baby you crotches. Oh my God it strike my cocky like a matches. I’m not saying you burn me. I just think your tight pum pum concern me. Busy indeed . Finally there’s “Ass Like That” by Eminem. You make my pee-pee go doing-doing-doing. Your honour, no further questions. Sometimes shit just speaks for itself.
“What’s the longest English word?” I asked Dylan. “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis,” Dylan answered. “How did you know that!” I thundered. “The second longest word is floccinaucinihilipilification,” said Dylan shrugging. I looked at Dylan like he was an actual alien and wondered who in the hell I married. All this time I thought he was just a dj.
“Your job as students who are receiving this privilege called education is to do your best to achieve great things, all the while advocating for those in the rows behind you.”
I sat on the nice new glasses I got in Cuba and pretty much irreversibly destroyed them. The lenses are scratched and chipped and the arms are all bent wildly askew. Then, being blind and rampaging the streets of an unfamiliar city, I fucked up hard trying to get home from running errands and got pretty profoundly lost. I ultimately figured shit out and returned hectic and hyperventilating. Dylan gazed at me gravely while I described my misadventure with melodramatic gestures and overemotional words. When I was done, Dylan said, “Christ. What would you do without me?” “Roll around naked in a ditch,” I replied, “until I starved and died.” “Hm,” said Dylan. “So would you though,” I added. Dylan seemed about fit to refute the remark, but then intelligently desisted. “I love everything about you,” he said instead, which were of course exactly the only correct words. Because long term relationships take work. The point is to relish the work. And when you relish the work, you’ll relish each other, and the love will burn true and continue.
It seems because I am of unknowable age, background, orientation, classification, type and identity—and possibly also because I am reasonably attractive, outwardly mysterious, unboxable and byzantine, people are always asking me questions. They won’t stop with the questions and they tend pretty much to believe anything I tell them for answers. People believe literally just any old shit that I might feel like saying. Especially when I pull the inviolable Asian Card, people motherfucking don’t bat eyes.
I told a guy while we smoked outside some small city club that I was the girl in all those incredible Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon tavern fighting scenes when I was just seventeen. He gaped at me and did the sputtery version of blinking. “You were amazing,” he intoned, all hushed and whispering. Wondering then what in the Sam goddamned Hill I was doing slouching about in a nameless city at some no-account bar, I said, “Field work.” As in I was researching the role for my next Asian stab at sensational cinema. All excitement and reverence, he glowed with understanding. I gave him my smile that is exactly like a wink but with no winking.
Many people believe too that David Suzuki is my father. They are every time respectful and awed. I tell them he may be a famous environmentalist to the world at large but he’s just plain old dad to me. Another person another time said I looked incredibly familiar. I said, “Ever heard of Miss Saigon.” Guy stared at me flummoxed and gobsmacked both. Casting my eyes demurely half away down and in a voice that is synonymous with a shoulder’s shrug I both tuneful and dismissive said, “No biggie.”
The best though is this whole my feet getting smaller and smaller thing. I used I swear to wear size 7 and now I’m barely filling out a size 5½. When I raise my bare foot high and people gaze perplexed at my living proof truth of this, I tell them it’s the complex work of genetic ancestral memory. I love to throw around the term “genetic ancestral memory.”
My elaborations go like this: “My Eastern rising sun genes can sense that my feet were never manually bound, so now genetic ancestral memory is just sort of kicking the motherfuck in. My genes are doing the binding for me. Amazing, right?”
People maintain their intent faces of captivated interest and careful astonishment but reveal usually still a strain of confusion. Timing it perfectly I gaze chastely forward into the future and declare, “It’s an Asian thing.” The collective expression upon all those beneficent faces goes, “Oh!” and all is understood, believed, swallowed beautifully white people whole and everyone wins. They’ve learned still more fascinating wisdom of the East remarkable Asia type stuff and I’ve amused myself once again to my usual highly improbable always extravagant often unforgivable degree.