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Everything She Likes

For Asha’s birthday, we filled the day up doing everything she likes. Dylan took her to the library where she ran wild and then they went grocery shopping where Asha got to get whatever she wanted. She wanted cookies and ice cream and pie. Then we went swimming and Asha was over the moon. Before swimming, Asha gave us an especially peppy version of her we’re going swimming dance. Adonis and Jan kindly stayed back to assemble Asha’s trampoline, we are so lucky and grateful to have helpful and wonderful friends. After swimming, Danny brought Rani over and Tara stopped by with her boys. Chaos ensued and poor Daisy barely made it out alive. Was very nice to have other kids around for Asha but sweet mother of god. Made me appreciate Asha’s preschool teachers who handle twenty 2 to 5-year-olds for several hours every day. We could barely handle four kids for five minutes. Made me appreciate the difference between one child and several. Made me appreciate the difference between having a girl and not boys. Eye opening, to put it mildly. Dylan made Asha’s favourite meal (noodles) and then we ate pie and ice cream, sang Happy Birthday and Asha opened her gifts. She actually found her presents stash a few days early and demanded to open the gifts at once, so she only had the remaining gifts to open on her actual birthday. Asha loved it all. To close the evening off, we brought Asha outside to jump on the trampoline and she just about lost it. The girl was born to jump so the trampoline was a massive hit. Asha loved it so much she paused to walk in a circle and give each individual trampoline pole a kiss. Very amusing and sweet, that girl is just a heartbreaker. Overall a really fun and wonderful birthday. I love celebrating Asha and making her happy, I almost prefer her happiness to my own. Seeing her smile and enjoying herself is the best. I want to have more children so that I can love them with my whole heart and celebrate their special days. Birthdays are so much better with kids, actually almost everything is. Never in a million years did I ever think I’d think this. Asha is such a blessing. She makes life worth whatever sadness, struggle and trouble there is. It’s an absolute joy to love her, take care of her and celebrate her. Happy birthday, Asha!

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Water Baby

We took Asha swimming and she was beside herself with excitement and joy, almost to the point of derangement. She couldn’t even. We went with Asha’s friend Rani, and Danny, Rani’s dad. Asha is a water baby times a thousand, she wanted to keep swimming forever and ever and ever, she wanted to go everywhere and do all of the things. She said, “THIS ONE,” and, “THAT WAY,” and, “AGAIN,” and, “ASHA SWIM.” She played in the fountains and under the waterfalls and with the water guns and jets and sprinklers, she even wanted to dive off the diving board by herself. She loved the hot tub area and wanted to stay in there, Asha loved swimming and being in water so passionately it was poignant to see. The only problem though was that she didn’t want to leave. Eventually we had to bodily remove her kicking and screaming. She ignored our assurances that we’d return so that she could swim again. Asha shouted, “NO NO NO,” and, “MY WATER,” and, “ASHA SWIM,” as we attempted to gather her up and go. She was beyond crushed that swimming was ending. Finally she was distracted by some smalls kids skating in the adjacent skating rink, Asha’s mad for skating also. She said, “ASHA SKATE,” and grinned maniacally. Then I got Asha a giant scoop of strawberry ice cream with rainbow sprinkles on a small cone and she was maximum stoked. Watching her carefully enjoying her giant scoop of strawberry ice cream wobbling on the little cone was precious. Asha’s eyes just shone. She said, “MMMMMMM,” and, “DELICIOUS.” Seeing the skating and getting the ice cream both lessened the pain of stopping swimming. That said, Asha absolutely cannot wait to go swimming again. Every day she says, “WATER,” and, “ASHA SWIM.” Swimming was fun for us as well, even though it’s something we rarely do. We’re such amateurs however and were totally unprepared, we basically forgot everything important. At the pool when we opened our bag, we saw we forgot masks, I forgot my bathing suit, we didn’t have towels and we didn’t bring extra diapers. Asha wasn’t even wearing a coat. God, we’re so bad, but we’re still pretty awesome parents too.

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A Thousand Feelings

Just dropped off our angel for her first day of school! I’ll never forget the look on her little face, it was equal parts excitement and anticipation at the newness of it all, as well as wonder at where we were going and why we weren’t coming in. I feel a thousand feelings at this moment, I hope Asha isn’t asking for her mama and crying her eyes out. I hope the teachers and the other kids aren’t being subjected to a relentless and passionate tirade. She has gradual entry all week, today’s class is only 40 minutes, Dylan will get her then, after he picks up some photos we needed to print and include in Asha’s comfort kit. I’m off to see a skin specialist to get my keloid scar tissue assessed and the first round of steroid shots. I can’t wait to get all that done and sorted, and I can’t wait to hear how Asha’s first day of school went.

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1/1/22

First snowman, second snowfall, for Asha. This stuff is from February, I’m nearly a year late in sharing it. Winter, snowmen, snowfalls, Halloween, and Christmas, all these things are better with kids. Kids make everything harder, kids make everything better, harder is better. I can’t believe it’s the last day of the year, and tomorrow is 1/1/22, which I think is cool. Let’s hope 2022 is a good year, better than last year and better than the year before that. I had such high hopes for 2020 and look where that got us. I’m therefore keeping my hopes for 2022 modest and minimal. Things will always be better if you expect the worst and anyway adversity builds character, strength comes from pain, you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. Fear is powerful, but love is stronger than fear. Sending love to each and every one of you. Happy new year.

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HopMonk

ill.Gates w Eko Zu tonight at HopMonk Tavern in Sebastopol! Wish I could be there, I love Ian, and of course I love Dylan. People in or near Sebastopol don’t miss this show, it’s going to be good, that’s the truth, actually Dylan played at HopMonk Tavern for our goodbye party when we moved away from San Francisco in 2017, there’s a bit of history for you.

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One Year

Recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary of moving to Vancouver, and while we miss Los Angeles and our friends there, Vancouver is great. Our house and neighbourhood are perfect, ideal for artists, pets and kids. So thankful for this life and especially for my family, for Dylan, Asha, Feather and Daisy.

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This Weekend

ill.Gates ‘The Arrival Tour’ this weekend: Friday November 05 at ELEKTRICITY in Pontiac MI with Rusko! Saturday November 06 at The Green Elephant in Dallas TX with Ahee! These are some dates I wish I could attend. The music’s going to be amazing as ill.Gates, Rusko and Ahee are all brilliant. The venues and promoters are also great. People in or near Pontiac or Dallas, don’t sleep. Shit’s gonna be fire; you’re in for a treat.

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Grateful to be Here

Hi it’s my birthday. It’s my birthday again on Tuesday too so if you don’t feel like wishing me a Happy Birthday today you have a second opportunity in four days. Most of you know by now that I have two birthdays. The reason for the two birthdays is because God said, “Jesus Christ this bitch is so awesome we should celebrate her twice.” So here we are. Even so, I totally wreck smashed my iPhone this morning. Not the most auspicious way to start my day. Bummer too since I literally just got the damn thing fixed and it already broke again. The place won’t give me a refund either so Dylan is going to drop the hammer on them when he’s back. Meanwhile all I’ve got is this fucked up phone. It’s turned out to be a beautiful day though. I’m grateful to be here at all. It’s an honour just to be nominated. Happy birthday to me. I’d like to thank the Academy.

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Bright Like Fire

This week ill.Gates has shows in Boston MA tonight at Sonia, Brooklyn NY on Thursday at Knitting Factory, Harrisburg PA on Friday at HMac, and in Ellington MN on Saturday for Infrasound Festival. Dylan is performing all original music from his latest album set to carefully curated artful visuals. Everyone in the cities mentioned I highly recommend you go. Get out there and support the tour. ill.Gates is one of the hardest working DJ’s in the game and his heart shines bright like fire. Your support means the world.

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Only Love Can Heal

Only love can heal this broken world. Love lights the way because love is the source of the cure. Celebrating 16 years with my one true love. Thank you for yesterday, today and tomorrow. I love living this life with you, I love taking this ride with you. Thank you for everything. Here’s to 16 more.

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The Arrival

ill.Gates THE ARRIVAL tour kicking off tonight in Atlanta! Celebrating the final LP of the “Airport Trilogy” dropping this Friday! Amazing support on the first half of the tour from an-ten-nae, Aplsoz, CANVAS, DiCE MaN, ELEVATD and Kermode. If you see your city here, I highly recommend you go. Dylan has been working very hard writing new music and syncing tracks to video to offer a sensational audiovisual show. Plus this is the first time he’s been separated from his gorgeous wife and beautiful child since the start of the pandemic, so if you support the tour, you will help to make it successful, which will ease the pain of separation and make Dylan happy. And when Dylan is happy, the whole world is happy too.

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To My Angel

Happy birthday to my angel of a husband. Thank you for being the absolute best. You are matchless, unequaled, unparalleled and unsurpassed. You’re my favourite in all the ways. I hope your birthday has been fantastic and that you thoroughly enjoyed yourself. Ps don’t listen to the haters baby you don’t look a day over 40!

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Drawing Boards

I had my first ultrasound and was told this wasn’t a viable pregnancy. A fetal heartbeat could not be detected. When I heard this I couldn’t understand or accept it. I was unprepared for this news. I was there to be reassured that there were no chromosomal abnormalities and that the pregnancy was progressing well, I didn’t expect to be told that the pregnancy was unviable and that there was no heartbeat. When I was pregnant with Asha and had my first ultrasound, hearing her heartbeat was the first most profound moment of connection with her. It was extremely special and beautiful. Dylan and I were on the verge of tears. This time Dylan wasn’t there and there was no heartbeat. The absence of it was absolutely crushing. I left the lab feeling empty and dazed. I had a second ultrasound that confirmed the results of the first. I was diagnosed with early pregnancy loss at eight weeks. Seeing the embryo silent and inert in the picture was devastating. I know that miscarriages are common and to some extent I should have expected this to maybe happen but I just never thought it would happen to me. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I couldn’t help wondering what I did wrong. I couldn’t help feeling that the miscarriage was somehow my fault. I go into surgery today at 12:30 PM to get a D&C. Dilation and curettage is a procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus. Doctors perform it to treat certain uterine conditions like heavy bleeding or to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage or abortion. The procedure only takes 5 minutes but I have to remain at the hospital for a while to make sure everything is fine. Then I have bedrest for 2-3 days and I’ll be taking medication for discomfort and pain. If I have excessive bleeding I’ll have to go to Emergency, otherwise I just have to rest and get better. Then it’s back to the drawing board. If we are unable to give Asha a brother or sister by ourselves we will adopt. This story will have a happy ending yet. Although I am feeling heartbroken and crushed I still have hope for the future. Things always get worse before they get better so that must mean something good is gonna happen soon.

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