I asked Jason how his night was and he said, “Well, I found out I’m not gay!” I paused in whatever I was doing and said, “I’m gonna need you to elaborate.” Jason said, “Well, I was at what I guess was a gay club and I was playing this skeet shooting game with a hot girl and her two guy friends. She kept putting quarters in and we kept playing and playing and it was really fun. Then I went to the bathroom and her guy friend came in and said he wanted to give me a blowjob.“ I said, “If the guy wanted dick, you should have given him dick. Who are you to deny the man a cock.” Jason said, “Well, that’s what I’m saying, that’s how I know I’m not gay, because I didn’t like it.” “Oh,” I said. “So you did let him give you a blowjob.” “I didn’t really let him, per se,” Jason said. “It was all just suddenly happening.” “I was not expecting this to be the way your story ends,” I said. Jason said, “The guy followed me into the bathroom and he wanted to give me a blowjob, and then his friend came in, and then the girl came in, and I was just caught off guard.” “Well,” I said, “it was very open-minded and generous of you to take part.” “It was really quick, like 5 seconds, and I told him I didn’t like it. And then he got all mad, and then his friend got mad, and then the girl got mad too, and then everyone left.” “Maybe don’t tell a gay guy he sucks at giving blowjobs,” I said. “I probably shouldn’t have said anything,” said Jason. “This is the greatest night out story that anyone has ever told me,” I said. “Well, at least now I know I’m not gay,” Jason said. “I’ve often wondered.” “Hm,” I said. “Yeah, I guess at least there’s that.” I threw my head back and laughed and I couldn’t wait to tell this story to Dylan.
Asha brings this geisha doll figure with her everywhere, she thinks it’s me, she calls it mommy. We have three different geisha doll figures, Asha thinks they are all me, she calls them all mommy. There’s a framed vintage poster of a young Asian woman on our wall, Asha points at it, smiles, and says, “It’s mommy.” There’s another framed vintage poster on another wall with a princely peaceful Bhuddaesque robed young man surrounded by seductive luxurious Asian females. Asha ponders the poster, grins and says, “Many mommies.” Asha seems to think all representations of Asian women are mommy, be it pictures, posters, drawings or dolls. Asha is confident that these are all me. Guess I’m raising a little racist. All look same to her.
Dylan was going back and forth with his graphic designer about key issues and points for his website. “Don’t ever mess with the aspect ratio,” said Dylan, “because then I’ll look like a fat hobbit, like I do in this picture.” “Actually,” said the designer, “that is the original aspect ratio for the picture.” “Ha ha,” I said, “you’re a fat hobbit darling, stop blaming the aspect ratio.”
Bro do you even Ableton
I like it when Dylan smokes weed because it makes him all sweet and shy. He ducks his head like a dog, acts a little bit guilty and tries to make himself smaller. He’s like a 10 year old boy who hasn’t misbehaved but is still worried to be accused of having done something wrong. Sometimes I act all stern just to fuck with him.
“Remember, everybody, being a chef is not about making food. It’s about distributing punishments and rewards based on the behaviour of the customer, thank you.”
What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants. A neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a beer? The bartender says, for you? No charge. Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines. What’s the difference between God and a DJ? At least God knows he’s not a DJ.
How to deal with haters.