Drawing Boards

I had my first ultrasound and was told this wasn’t a viable pregnancy. A fetal heartbeat could not be detected. When I heard this I couldn’t understand or accept it. I was unprepared for this news. I was there to be reassured that there were no chromosomal abnormalities and that the pregnancy was progressing well, I didn’t expect to be told that the pregnancy was unviable and that there was no heartbeat. When I was pregnant with Asha and had my first ultrasound, hearing her heartbeat was the first most profound moment of connection with her. It was extremely special and beautiful. Dylan and I were on the verge of tears. This time Dylan wasn’t there and there was no heartbeat. The absence of it was absolutely crushing. I left the lab feeling empty and dazed. I had a second ultrasound that confirmed the results of the first. I was diagnosed with early pregnancy loss at eight weeks. Seeing the embryo silent and inert in the picture was devastating. I know that miscarriages are common and to some extent I should have expected this to maybe happen but I just never thought it would happen to me. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I couldn’t help wondering what I did wrong. I couldn’t help feeling that the miscarriage was somehow my fault. I go into surgery today at 12:30 PM to get a D&C. Dilation and curettage is a procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus. Doctors perform it to treat certain uterine conditions like heavy bleeding or to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage or abortion. The procedure only takes 5 minutes but I have to remain at the hospital for a while to make sure everything is fine. Then I have bedrest for 2-3 days and I’ll be taking medication for discomfort and pain. If I have excessive bleeding I’ll have to go to Emergency, otherwise I just have to rest and get better. Then it’s back to the drawing board. If we are unable to give Asha a brother or sister by ourselves we will adopt. This story will have a happy ending yet. Although I am feeling heartbroken and crushed I still have hope for the future. Things always get worse before they get better so that must mean something good is gonna happen soon.


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