Sharing

If You’re Wondering

I’ve been a bit quiet this whole past while if you’re wondering why it’s because I feel shitty all the time. I feel shitty all day long, all day every day, and I feel like doing nothing but breathing shallowly and lying around. I also feel anxious and guilty and worried. Apparently everything I am feeling is common and normal and to be expected and apparently it’s all very good. Apparently the sicker a woman feels, the healthier, smarter and stronger her baby will be and the more likely it will be a boy. I think this probably is a bunch of nonsense people tell pregnant women to make them feel better about feeling sick. That said, I hope it’s true anyway, because actually it does help, in its superstitious superficial way. I’ve been reading a lot, researching, studying, preparing, reminding myself about all the things to expect and watch out for. I’ve learned that it’s extremely rare for a 45 year old woman to get pregnant naturally, like under 5%, without the aid of expensive fertility treatments, and without having to resort to frozen eggs or surrogates. I’ve also learned that in the extremely rare case that a 45 year old woman does get pregnant, upwards of 60% of these women have miscarriages, that’s about two thirds of the group. That’s a whole lot of miscarriages. So I’ve got to be thankful and I’ve got to be careful. This is a very special pregnancy and will be a very special child, if only because the circumstances themselves are extremely rare and special. I’ve just got to be confident and cautious and take absolute care, since it would be heartbreaking if I did have a miscarriage, especially since I already opened my big mouth and prematurely stupidly told the whole world I was having another baby. But I will be confident and cautious and I will take absolute care. Everything is going to be okay. Asha is incredible, our gorgeous darling perfect sweet angel, and her brother or sister I am sure will be too. Finger crosses. Please wish us well, send us good energy and good thoughts. Help me get through the shittiness and arrive at that place of health and good feeling. Thank you for caring. Thanks for your support and friendship.

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Photography

20 Minutes

For Asha‘s second birthday, we booked a 20 minute mini session with My City Photos, a local photographer in our area. During the shoot, Asha screamed and cried and was maximally difficult and unmanageable. She has what I call Opposite Syndrome (“Oppositional Defiant Disorder,” corrected Dylan) which means she knows what it is you want her to do and she’ll do everything in her power to do the opposite. I was sure the shoot was a bust, but when we were shown the shots, I liked so many of them I found it impossible to narrow my choices down to the allotted five. Our photographer is so great with kids and she’s so good at her job the shots she got make it seem like Asha was on her best behaviour and enjoyed herself the whole time. “That comes with hiring a professional,” said Dylan. “Incredible,” I said. Here’s some of our favourite shots from the shoot that went better than we thought. Big thanks to LL, our photographer, you killed it, we look forward to shooting with you again and often.

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Event

Incoming

INCOMING! A BROTHER OR SISTER FOR ASHA! I’m thrilled. I never had a big solid family growing up so it’s extremely important and meaningful for me to make my own. I’m gonna give my children all the encouragement, support and love I never got. Asha is entirely marvelous with just her I’m already so thankful and happy, but I think giving her a brother or sister to grow up with is the right thing to do. Another Asha! I can’t wait. This is gonna be great.

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Advice

Frequency

There is a frequency that is unique to you and your job is to locate it. There is so much noise around you, so many influences, but where you want to be is in your own natural frequency, in your own natural energy source. You have to locate it, and you locate it through stillness. Be still and listen to your body, listen to your gut, listen to your heart. Listen for that frequency. It’s there. You’re connected to it. Create space in your consciousness for your frequency to shine. That’s what owning yourself is. Owning who you are is what it all comes down to, and it is in the stillness that these messages can make themselves known.

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Sharing

Call The Feds

Last night I stayed up until 3:47 AM and conquered the entirety of Laundry Mountain. I did two loads of laundry, folded, sorted and put everything away, including the piles from three previous loads. I washed and replaced all the bedding, I even did all the ironing. I don’t think in my whole life this has happened ever, let alone in a single day. Funny that on a Friday night this is what pleases me. Quick, call the Feds, there’s a raging party animal on the loose! No but seriously and oh my god for real. I am a hero. Especially with little Asha running around, getting into everything and actively resisting my housecleaning. She shoves me away from wherever I am trying to work and demands I play with her instead. She jumps maniacally upon the bed, throws sheets over her head prompting me to say, “Where is Asha? Where did Asha go?” and I tickle her when I “find” her while she screeches and giggles. She loves to drag everything out from their spots and aggressively shake the clothes as if to say, “Take that! And that! And that!” She basically undoes whatever work I’ve done and laughs about it. She’s so adorable I can’t be mad. All this shit takes forever to do, then you add an agent of chaos like her into the mix and it’s impossible. Which is why my achievement last night is especially glorious. I might actually deserve a medal.

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Book

Can’t Hurt Me

Probably the best book I read last year. If I had a hero besides Bruce Lee and ill.Gates, it would be David Goggins. Shoutout to Joe Rogan, for despite how much of a meathead he can sometimes seem, and as problematic as his podcast sometimes is, it has introduced me to a lot of extraordinary human beings, and it’s got me looking into much of what makes life fascinating. Truthfully without The Joe Rogan Experience, I don’t think I would ever have come across people like David Goggins, Brian Cox, Eric Weinstein, Lex Fridman and countless others. So thank you Joe Rogan, for the podcast and all the interesting conversations, and thank you David Goggins, for writing this amazing book and sharing your incredible story. Stay hard y’all, and keep fucking swearing, if that’s the way you naturally fucking talk.

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Film

Possessor

We watched Brandon Cronenberg’s new film POSSESSOR and it was fucking good. Brandon was Dylan’s childhood best friend growing up so we are rooting for him. Also of course Brandon’s father David Cronenberg was one of our favourite directors and we both grew up admiring his work. All these details are part of the many reasons how I knew Dylan was the person for me. POSSESSOR is the perfect film for the son of David Cronenberg to make. It’s excellent. Great work. Recommended.

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Dialogue

Bad Guy

Girlfriend was having trouble with her guy, always complains about his behaviour, lists his flaws, and describes all the ways he fails to measure up. I said, “Maybe he isn’t the right person for you. You can’t make him be and do what you want. You should be with someone who already is the way you want them to be.” “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” girlfriend says, “I can do better. I deserve better.” Later girlfriend’s all sucking face again with the same guy, apparently the lover’s quarrel ended and they were passionately in love again. Then girlfriend jerks her head in my direction and loudly announces, “Nunich doesn’t like you. She thinks you’re not good enough for me. She thinks I can do better.” “Cunt!” is what my icy stare says. Girlfriend ignores my silent outrage while her insulted boyfriend glares at me. Making me the bad guy, shit. This sort of thing has happened enough times for me to be fucking wary with doling out the love and relationships advice. Because girls don’t want good advice, they won’t listen to it, and they won’t apply it to their lives. Women often don’t actually know what they want. Or they want the impossible, like getting the wrong person to treat them right. Women don’t appreciate good sweet kind nice men, they imagine they want a bad boy to fall in love with them. They want their lives to be exciting. They want to feel special and they want to be lucky. They want to be spoiled, and they want someone to at least seem like they care. They want somebody to hang around and listen to their bullshit, but not to call them on it. It takes a long time for someone to start wanting the right things from the right person, and often they get it all terribly wrong and mess things completely up. Sadly sometimes you have to lose everything in order to recognize that what you had was pretty fucking good. But don’t come to me for opinions and advice if you’re just gonna throw me under the bus. Thanks but I’ll throw myself under the goddamn bus.

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Music

Make Up Your Mind


Keep holding on
baby girl
Don’t let go

COLDCUT, ON-U SOUND, CE’CILE, TODDLA T Make Up Your Mind
TRACK STARR & KHXOS
D’s O’s
F MONTANA, P MALONE, CARDI B, RVSSIAN
Writing on the Wall
ATMOSPHERE, ZED’S DEAD, SUBTRONICS
GodLovesUgly (Remix)
MAJOR LAZER, MR EAZI, NICKI MINAJ, K4MO
Oh My Gawd
AHEE
iLLest Alien
AHEE FEAT. WILLIAM THOREN
Hyperface
NEED FOR MIRRORS
Thugga
AMADOU & MARIAM
Sabali
JAMIE XX
Idontknow
UK APACHE & SHY FX
Original Nuttah 25
DUB PHIZIX FEAT. FOX
Never Been (Electric VIP)
NOAH HAWLEY & JEFF RUSSO
Didn’t Leave Nobody But The Baby
JAI WOLF
Indian Summer
DRESAGE & AG
Three Little Birds
M.A.N.D.Y., BOOKA SHADE, L ANDERSON
O Superman (SIS Remix)
MUNGO’S HI FI FEAT. MARINA P
Mama Was Right

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Thoughts

A Part of Me

Anyone that obsessed with patriotism has serious problems. Both extreme patriotism and nationalism are wack as fuck. They mostly just lead to racism and racism is the root cause of many of the worst things one group of people justifies doing to another group of people. Sexism, classism, religious fundamentalism, misogyny and homophobia have all caused their share of evil in the world, but I think racism is the worst. Racism is the thing I hate most about people. Racism is what makes people most hateful. I’d like to think people are better than that but really I’m not so sure. Sometimes I don’t think they are, I don’t think they ever can be, and I don’t think they will ever rise above. There’s also too much corruption, deception, hypocrisy, greed and selfishness in the human heart. There’s a part of me that thinks people will always kind of suck. Maybe people are more bad than they are good and maybe we’ve just got to accept that. It’s a tough pill to swallow, regardless of whether it’s a red pill or blue. No side is better and no side can win. Maybe that’s life. Maybe that’s just how things are. Maybe it’s all mostly worthless. But for some reason I still fucking care and I still want things to be better. I still think we should fight for a better world, even if it’s impossible. I don’t know why but no matter what I still think we’ve got to try. Because I just can’t believe that none of this matters and that it’s all a wash. Human beings need each other but they hate each other and they don’t know how to get along. Therein lies the problem.

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Family

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today and my love for Asha has only increased. In these pictures she’s nine months old, now she’s 20 months old, she’s still amazing and she’s still cute. It’s incredible though how much she’s changed. She’s growing right before our eyes. Every day is a new surprise. Raising Asha, loving her and taking care of her is a blessing. I am so lucky. Every day I thank the universe for Asha.

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