I’ve been a bit quiet this whole past while if you’re wondering why it’s because I feel shitty all the time. I feel shitty all day long, all day every day, and I feel like doing nothing but breathing shallowly and lying around. I also feel anxious and guilty and worried. Apparently everything I am feeling is common and normal and to be expected and apparently it’s all very good. Apparently the sicker a woman feels, the healthier, smarter and stronger her baby will be and the more likely it will be a boy. I think this probably is a bunch of nonsense people tell pregnant women to make them feel better about feeling sick. That said, I hope it’s true anyway, because actually it does help, in its superstitious superficial way. I’ve been reading a lot, researching, studying, preparing, reminding myself about all the things to expect and watch out for. I’ve learned that it’s extremely rare for a 45 year old woman to get pregnant naturally, like under 5%, without the aid of expensive fertility treatments, and without having to resort to frozen eggs or surrogates. I’ve also learned that in the extremely rare case that a 45 year old woman does get pregnant, upwards of 60% of these women have miscarriages, that’s about two thirds of the group. That’s a whole lot of miscarriages. So I’ve got to be thankful and I’ve got to be careful. This is a very special pregnancy and will be a very special child, if only because the circumstances themselves are extremely rare and special. I’ve just got to be confident and cautious and take absolute care, since it would be heartbreaking if I did have a miscarriage, especially since I already opened my big mouth and prematurely stupidly told the whole world I was having another baby. But I will be confident and cautious and I will take absolute care. Everything is going to be okay. Asha is incredible, our gorgeous darling perfect sweet angel, and her brother or sister I am sure will be too. Finger crosses. Please wish us well, send us good energy and good thoughts. Help me get through the shittiness and arrive at that place of health and good feeling. Thank you for caring. Thanks for your support and friendship.