Category Archives: Sharing

Sharing

Enjoying This Moment

The nice thing about all the rain here is Asha gets to showcase her weather appropriate rainwear. Also Asha loves going to school now, in the morning she follows me around the house gathering her things and mine, handing each item to me so that I can get us both ready and put everything on. As such, we’re always ready for school way too early and once there, Asha is the first in line to enter. She says, “Asha school” and brims with shyness and excitement. She is only momentarily sad when she sees me leaving, but now she dutifully enters without having a breakdown and calling out for me dejectedly. Then three hours later when I get her, Asha is the first in line to leave. When she sees me, she smiles with all her might, says, “Mommy!” and comes running into my arms. I will never stop enjoying this moment. I hold Asha tight and close and ask her how her day was. Asha says, “Hi, mommy!” and she is radiant. Sometimes the love I feel for Asha, how deeply I cherish her, it’s almost too much for my heart. The terrible twos are terrible mostly because they’re too sweet and too beautiful. The love l feel is so all consuming that it hurts, and happiness and sadness become indistinguishable. In this way love and pain are the same, because you can’t have a rainbow without rain.

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Seizure Mode

I had a major coughing fit in the Uber on my way to the dentist the poor driver was terrified. The more I tried to stifle the cough the harder and more I coughed. I wanted to reassure the driver and yell, “Don’t worry, I don’t have Covid!” but I was coughing too hard to be able to say a thing. I clamped my hand on top of my mask on top of my mouth and tried my best to stop coughing. My body went into seizure mode, my eyes watered, and my nose ran. It probably looked very bad and it probably sounded even worse than that. I was praying for it all to end but it took forever for me to finally stop coughing. “Is this OK,” the driver asked me sadly when we arrived at the dental office. Yes,” I said, but my voice came out as a croak. Dude was so not stoked. Poor guy. And poor me, I’m probably going to get my first zero star rating as a passenger. Me and my anxiety coughs. I chose the wrong day to try to quit taking anxiety meds. I even had lingering coughs and body tremors during my dental appointment and had to stifle more coughing in the Uber ride home. Bodies man, they sure can betray you, and they seem to like to do so at the worst times. God fucking damn. Good thing I wasn’t a Jew hiding in an attic in Nazi Germany, I would’ve given our hiding spot away at once and ruined shit for everyone. They’d put SHIT RUINER on my gravestone.

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A Good Adventure

Off to spend a week with grandma and grandpa for the holidays. Asha is so stoked. She loves a good adventure. She went racing all over the airport and it was next to impossible to keep her still. If we don’t keep an eye on her at all times, that girl would get snatched for sure. Asha was ecstatic to be on a plane, but then she cried actual bloody murder when she discovered she could no longer watch Cry Baby Magic Tears. “Oh no cry baby’s broken!” went the refrain. She made this lamentation on repeat. These words usually are the first thing Asha utters each morning when she wakes. But sometimes she jolts when I approach, looks slowly and sleepily around, grins widely upon seeing me and says, “Good morning, mommy!” That sweet happy greeting is everything. Then I hold and hug her tight, pat her back and I say, “I love you, sweet baby. I love you so much.” And Asha sighs and presses her head down onto my shoulder and snug up against my neck and I hold and hug her for a while. That first hug sets the tone for the whole day.

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Preschool Soon

I brought Asha to the preschool that she’ll be attending in early January in the new year and she was so excited. She did that bizarre bended knee with short quick dragging sneaky steps thing that she does when she’s keyed up and giddy. We were there to drop off a cheque for the registration fee and to pay the first and last month’s deposit. The kids were just finishing class and one of the teachers told them all to say hi to Asha so they gathered around and said, “Hi Asha!” and Asha smiled so big. This bodes well for when school will begin, Asha enjoyed being there so much that she didn’t want to leave. She struggled and cried and I had to slowly coax her outside. I’m excited for when school starts, but I’m dreading dropping her off on that first day. Apparently, it’s a hard drop-off, no lingering allowed, I am worried Asha will cry and say, “Where mama,” on repeat the whole time, but I also think she’ll adjust quickly and enjoy herself and be happy. At least I hope. Also, she’s supposed to be mostly potty trained by then, so I really have my work cut out for me. I have to potty train this kid in like two weeks. Lord have mercy.

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Suicide Disease

Tooth pain is one of the leading causes of suicide and I completely understand why. There’s a condition known colloquially as “Suicide Disease” which can present itself as chronic dental pain. I feel terrible for anyone who can’t afford to get what dental procedures they require, or the medication needed to manage the pain. For my part, the pain medication itself is barely helping, and every few hours, the pain reasserts itself almost worse than before. It’s been about a week and the pain I feel is severe. It’s difficult to do anything, including eating and sleeping. It hurts to eat, it hurts just to open my mouth. I wake through the night from pain, take more pain pills, hold ice against my face and feel sorry for myself. I’m supposed to take pain medication every six hours as needed, but I’ve been taking it every three hours, because the pain comes back sooner than six, and it’s a lot, almost too much. I’m not suicidal, but if this pain persists, and if the pain medication is insufficient to manage it, then I can see how suicide might seem to be the best option. Again, I am not suicidal, but I can understand how people dealing with chronic dental pain end up choosing to die.

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Pink Princess

As for potty training, this skill can be complicated and awkward to either teach or master. Every kid is different, some get it fast, some take longer, some have continued accidents beyond having learned, sometimes for years. There’s different ways and methods to potty train your kid and I guess a combination of these is best. Asha seems to have learned about potties from one of her shows. Whenever I’m in the bathroom, Asha sits on her potty next to me fully clothed and says, “Asha potty too.” Sometimes she sighs. Sometimes she hands me a roll of toilet paper. Sometimes she mimes wiping behind her and finally she stands up abruptly announcing with confidence and satisfaction, “All done!” when of course she hasn’t actually done much. Asha alerts me when she’s got a dirty diaper that needs changing. She’ll say, “Asha poo poo?” and she’ll walk a bit funny or pull at her clothes. Asha calls everything poo poo, she doesn’t distinguish between pee and poop. We got a fancy two part toilet seat with an interior seat for Asha and, once we install this, potty training will really begin. Some say to keep the kid naked and throw them on the potty as soon as they start peeing or pooping. Some say to go to the bathroom in front of your child, explain what’s happening and encourage them to do it like you. Some suggest putting the kid in training underpants, taking them to the bathroom often while saying, “Go potty?” and doing this repeatedly until the child understands. Another approach is to have the kid in training underwear and let them learn the consequences of their actions, ie that it’s disgusting to be walking around covered in shit and piss. They’ll very quickly learn what going to the bathroom is and how and where it should happen. I hope toilet training Asha goes smoothly, with minimal effort required, and with a minimum of complications or accidents. I like to think Asha is a genius and that she’ll just “get it” without needing help. Wouldn’t that be great. Anyway, Asha starts school soon and she’s supposed to be potty trained by then, so I better get teaching and she better start learning. Wish us luck.

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For a Brief Moment in Time

One of our neighbours has a children’s playhouse in their front yard and walking past it Asha dashed up on their lawn straight into the playhouse and wouldn’t leave. She was on cloud 9 million inside that thing, grinning and peaking at me and saying in a hushed excited voice, “Come on, Mommy.” She was so cute and happy inside the playhouse I didn’t want to cut her joy short, but I didn’t want the neighbours to be pissed that we were in their yard in the playhouse trespassing. Eventually I had to drag Asha bodily out and do the fireman’s carry I often have to resort to whenever Asha refuses to yield. The whole neighbourhood was subjected to a lot of flailing, shrieking, wailing and screaming while I maintained pokerface status throughout the tantrum until we were home. The struggle was indeed real. Later I got Asha her own backyard playhouse and my mother-in-law and I took about 50 years to build it even though the instructions said it should take 20 minutes. Our playhouse is cute but small and admittedly not as awesome as the neighbour’s, and of course Asha is only minimally interested. So it goes. Sometimes though, Asha does hang around near it and gets inside, and for a brief moment in time, everything is right with the world, and all are satisfied.

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Sometimes I Wish

Sometimes I wish Asha could stay two forever even though they call it the terrible twos for a reason. She’s so goddamn cute though I’d venture to say I’d take all of the terrible just to be able to keep enjoying the cute. I hope Asha’s just as cute and sweet and beautiful as she gets older but I hope she doesn’t keep throwing random tantrums still by then lol. You’d never know it from these sweet idyllic shots but the whole stroller ride on the way to the park Asha cried and screamed and said, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” despairingly over and over again at top volume which sounds extra loud in our super chill neighbourhood. She was upset because I took off her favourite gold sequins beige tutu dress that she wears literally every day for like weeks now, she refuses to let me take it off, she wails and cries and screams and struggles whenever I’ve attempted to change her clothes, she even demands to sleep in the thing. She barely lets me take the dress off for showers and then instantly needs to have the dress put back on her fucking ASAP. It was cold on the day of these pictures so I put her in her puffy black snowsuit and took the dress off. Asha was outraged. Once we got to the park she was distracted and had fun but then she saw some soccer nets and wanted to crawl under to go places where she couldn’t reach so she got half stuck with her neck and head in the netting, she shouted and cried until I rescued her. Then when it was time to go Asha screamed and wept and resisted and I had to hoist her fireman’s carry over my shoulders and with a poker face calmly slowly bring her back to the stroller and strap her in. Asha screamed and raged and struggled and I kept neutral and calm while everyone either paid us no mind or gave me sympathetic glances. Terrible twos I tell ya. Of course as soon as we were home I had to put Asha’s dress back on her again. Asha grinned and laughed and clapped her hands in delight, her face wet with tears, and so much joyful relief in her eyes. The drama. She loves that damn dress. She calls it her yes.

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I Had a Moment

I had a moment of serious panic earlier today when I couldn’t find Asha, I checked everywhere and then downstairs and finally outside in the backyard and she wasn’t anywhere, nowhere at all. I took a deep breath and checked the last place I could which was the studio and there she was, thank fucking god. She was safe and relaxed and practising DJing with daddy. Such a real relief to find her and so wonderful to see her calmly DJing and having a ball.

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Dinosaur Act

Asha has a thing for dinosaurs, she busts out with a dinosaur act that is so convincing you’d almost believe there was an actual dinosaur in the room. She puts shoes one on each hand and that seems to activate dinosaur mode. Asha approaches stealthily with her shoe hands up and goes, “Roar.” Then she grins widely, holds the pose, and looks at you closely to assess your response. It’s clear she fully expects you to be floored.

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Sometimes I Worry

Sometimes I worry that I post too many pictures and videos of Asha and then I think so what. The girl is so precious and adorable and sweet who cares if I post about her too relentlessly. She is the loveliest and most lovable creature. I am lucky to have this chance in this life to be the mother of such a little angel. If anyone is maxing out and growing tired of gazing upon her adorableness they can just scroll on by or even unfollow me. Everyone else can have their daily dose of Asha and continue to enjoy their inadvertent membership in the Asha fan club. In my opinion there is no greater club to be a part of.

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It Be Like That

Asha prefers trucks and puzzles and balls she rarely plays with dolls. Today though for some reason she spent the afternoon clutching two mostly naked Barbies and taking them around. Any doll in her vicinity is named Dog, although the fancy scary equestrian doll that Grandma gave her that she loves was apparently recently renamed Baby. Anyway today was a clutch some Barbies kind of day. I guess it be like that sometimes.

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The One Good Thing

The one good thing with feeling shitty is I get to lie around and read all day and not feel guilty while everyone else does all the rest of the work that needs doing, which is a fairly big silver lining. I’ve read more these past two weeks than I have in the past two years and it’s good. I’m always meaning to read more but I never actually do it, so it’s fantastic to actually do something for which previously the best you had was the intention. It feels good which counterbalances the feeling shitty. I always mean to read more but what I really mean to do is write. First things first. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so they say. Currently reading the fully revised and expanded for the 21st century Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care 8th Edition, the one essential parenting book, a handbook for parents of developing children from birth through adolescence and so far it’s pretty excellent. I was worried when I was given the book that it would be dull and dated and barely relevant but actually it’s quite great. Also the latest revision was in 2008 so it’s not totally archaic. I’m learning a lot and also having what I already thought and knew be reaffirmed. For audiobook format, I’m listening with Dylan to The Marathon Don’t Stop: The Life and Times of Nipsey Hussle by Rob Kenner and it’s awesome but also very sad. Of all the people to be gunned down right in front of the place he felt most at home. Nipsey Hussle was an amazing person. The world lost someone very special and beautiful. I feel especially sad for Nipsey’s wife and his two kids. I don’t think the man who killed him can ever be forgiven. Pictured is Nipsey’s beautiful son who was the same age as Asha is when his father was murdered.

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If You’re Wondering

I’ve been a bit quiet this whole past while if you’re wondering why it’s because I feel shitty all the time. I feel shitty all day long, all day every day, and I feel like doing nothing but breathing shallowly and lying around. I also feel anxious and guilty and worried. Apparently everything I am feeling is common and normal and to be expected and apparently it’s all very good. Apparently the sicker a woman feels, the healthier, smarter and stronger her baby will be and the more likely it will be a boy. I think this probably is a bunch of nonsense people tell pregnant women to make them feel better about feeling sick. That said, I hope it’s true anyway, because actually it does help, in its superstitious superficial way. I’ve been reading a lot, researching, studying, preparing, reminding myself about all the things to expect and watch out for. I’ve learned that it’s extremely rare for a 45 year old woman to get pregnant naturally, like under 5%, without the aid of expensive fertility treatments, and without having to resort to frozen eggs or surrogates. I’ve also learned that in the extremely rare case that a 45 year old woman does get pregnant, upwards of 60% of these women have miscarriages, that’s about two thirds of the group. That’s a whole lot of miscarriages. So I’ve got to be thankful and I’ve got to be careful. This is a very special pregnancy and will be a very special child, if only because the circumstances themselves are extremely rare and special. I’ve just got to be confident and cautious and take absolute care, since it would be heartbreaking if I did have a miscarriage, especially since I already opened my big mouth and prematurely stupidly told the whole world I was having another baby. But I will be confident and cautious and I will take absolute care. Everything is going to be okay. Asha is incredible, our gorgeous darling perfect sweet angel, and her brother or sister I am sure will be too. Finger crosses. Please wish us well, send us good energy and good thoughts. Help me get through the shittiness and arrive at that place of health and good feeling. Thank you for caring. Thanks for your support and friendship.

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Call The Feds

Last night I stayed up until 3:47 AM and conquered the entirety of Laundry Mountain. I did two loads of laundry, folded, sorted and put everything away, including the piles from three previous loads. I washed and replaced all the bedding, I even did all the ironing. I don’t think in my whole life this has happened ever, let alone in a single day. Funny that on a Friday night this is what pleases me. Quick, call the Feds, there’s a raging party animal on the loose! No but seriously and oh my god for real. I am a hero. Especially with little Asha running around, getting into everything and actively resisting my housecleaning. She shoves me away from wherever I am trying to work and demands I play with her instead. She jumps maniacally upon the bed, throws sheets over her head prompting me to say, “Where is Asha? Where did Asha go?” and I tickle her when I “find” her while she screeches and giggles. She loves to drag everything out from their spots and aggressively shake the clothes as if to say, “Take that! And that! And that!” She basically undoes whatever work I’ve done and laughs about it. She’s so adorable I can’t be mad. All this shit takes forever to do, then you add an agent of chaos like her into the mix and it’s impossible. Which is why my achievement last night is especially glorious. I might actually deserve a medal.

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A Little Bit Asian

A girl asked me do you want to be in our gang, I said what are the requirements, she said you have to be a little bit Asian and a little bit crazy, I said you just 100% described me. My dentist swears up and down that someone comes into her office that looks exactly like me, she talks like me, she even has the same laugh apparently. My dentist had all the dental assistants and the receptionists gather around to see and all sundry murmured agreement. I said listen shit I don’t know who this bitch is but I’d love to meet her she sounds fucking terrific.

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Maybe I’ll Even

Yesterday I carried Asha and walked the dogs by myself for the first time. I also gave Asha a bath on my own, these are some real milestones. Next thing you know I’ll learn how to drive and while indoors I’ll be able to tell which way north is. Maybe I’ll even learn how to whistle, snap my fingers and roll my motherfucking r’s. Woah there nelly.

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12 Things

12 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYONE

1. People who point at their wrist to ask for the time. I know where my watch is, pal, where the hell is yours. 2. People who say, “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.” Fucking yeah I do, what good is cake if you just “have it.” 3. People who say, “It’s always the last place you look.” Of course it is. Why would you keep looking for something after you’ve found it? Do people do this? 4. People who say after watching a film, “Did you see that?” No, I paid a bunch of money to come to the theatre and stare at the damn floor. 5. People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Was there a choice? 6. When something is “new and improved.” Which is it. 7. When people say, “Life is short.” Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does. What can a person do that’s longer? 8. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?” If the bus had come, why would we still be standing there? 9. People who say, “He’s gone to a better place.” Oh yeah? And fucking you know that how? 10. People who don’t say hello, good morning, or thank you. 11. People who are high on themselves, people who act dumber than they are, people who are rude. 12. People.

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Unstoppable

Oh my god I just made a perfect cup of coffee for once in my life, I’m a grown ass woman finally. What next? Solving world hunger, stopping all wars, clean drinking water for everyone, cures for every illness and disease, peace in the Middle East? Better do it quick since this is my good hair day. Dylan is going to be so stoked when he gets home to see how much his goddamn wife has levelled up. I just washed and chopped up a pile of fresh vegetables, fried a duck egg and grilled some sausage. In other words I cooked for like the third time ever and it was actually pretty fucking good. Like who am I. I am the type of person that climbs up onto a chair to get at a hard to reach cupboard in order to use some rarely chosen cups and the dishes high up at the back so that they get their “day in the sun.” I actually worry about these things. God probably does a lot of rueful headshaking and sorrowful shrugging whenever he gets an eyeful of me. But maybe God now is just a little bit stoked to see that, despite it all, one of his dark horse experiments might actually be working.

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