Mike showed up on time, we didn’t get stuck in traffic, the day was beautiful and I arrived at the airport just fine.
On the way Mike asked what was my craziest Sidecar experience and I said I didn’t really have one. Then I remembered the time an old white guy drove me and he was a raging homophobe. As we cruised through the Castro past the big brightly coloured gay pride flag, the homophobe effected that sharp shrug and fast back and forth headshaking gesture that humans make to signify a rampancy of disgust, a spectacle of sound that is a cross between skin crawling revulsion and a horse’s whinnying. I would have laughed if the whole thing wasn’t so totally offensive. Dude went on and on then about how he can’t bear to see two men holding hands or kissing, like why do they have to show that gross stuff off, grandpa gay hater said he’d bear it all a bit better if he didn’t have to see it and so be forced to know. The homophobe was very nice to me and after the ride was over I felt badly to give him a low star rating, it was my only time doing so, I felt badly because the man was sweet to me but I couldn’t excuse or reward homophobia. Plus it was presumptuous of him to assume that I wasn’t myself a lesbian or sexually “unacceptable” in some other lusciously uncomfortable unclassifiable abnormal way.
“Guy’s living in the wrong city,” said Mike.
“I’ll say,” I replied.
Then Mike said his worst Sidecar experience as a driver was just the morning previous. He picked up this bossy hectic doctor from northern California. Girlfriend woke up late and was raging to get to the airport stat. Mike’s a calm and competent driver and the doctor passenger woman wasn’t having it. She instructed Mike to step on it, commanded him to pass what cars he could, get in the fast lane and get shit done quick and lickety-split. Mike complied while doctor lady jawed off about life at the hospital and snorting brilliant fun mountains of cocaine. At the airport, the lady was thankful to Mike for getting her quickly to where she needed to be despite everything. Then later Mike noticed his high 90s driver rating had plummeted to the low 50s. Upon researching, Mike saw that doctor lady had given him one star with the comment “a bad and dangerous driver” just to add insult to injury.
“Wow! Bitch!” I said.
“Right,” said Mike.
I made some remarks about how it had only been a handful of moments and I was already missing Otis. Mike asked when I’m away do I ever drop my pets off at Petco. I said no, usually a friend or my roommate takes care of things. Mike then said good because Petco recently got busted over some big petsitting burglary ring. Being a law-abiding sorry-saying overly respectful Canadian, I was shocked. I just never expect people to behave in low or criminal ways. The Petco thing involved homeowners going on vacation and dropping their pets off at Petco while they were away. Then the Petco people would know how long the vacationing pet owners were gone, where they lived and that no complicating factors like dogs would be in the way. The Petco burglars would then move in on the empty homes and be in a position to leisurely rob under conditions of inside knowledge, security and ease. Smart shit if you’re a criminal but wow the balls and how unethical, I couldn’t believe it. Mike agreed. Apparently too the smooth operation was masterminded and run by a 21 year old hippie babe. Again, the balls. Mike then talked of how Sidecar’s finally doing okay but that both Lyft and Uber were in trouble and embroiled in lawsuits. Apparently cab drivers or whoever were vandalizing Lyft cars, slashing tires and stealing the pink moustaches. Uber’s trouble comes from one of their drivers running over and killing an 8 year old girl. Again I was all shock and wow. Should really pay closer attention to current events, I had no idea shit out there was getting so real.
At the airport, I thanked Mike for his competence and interesting stories. Later I gave him five stars for rating and even tipped him. Tips with Sidecar are built in and nonessential, they are reserved for the above and beyond. I felt Mike deserved such extra niceness for sure, plus I wanted to help offset the damage done by coked up devious doctor woman. Also Mike was big, tanned, muscular, soft-spoken and Asian. Maybe I felt vaguely like he was the “handsome brother I never knew or had” and like I had to stick up for my own.
In completely other news, I’m thinking of changing Otis’ name to Captain Cleanpaws because he spends about 80% of his days licking and licking and licking the things. Also he doesn’t like people to touch his paws, he quickly pulls them away and hides them as if to say, “You keep your dirty hands off of my super clean paws.” Darling is so funny and lovely and lovable and great. Just got to cure him of wanting to attack and kill virtually every other dog he meets, regardless of any detail like friendliness, aggression, size, justification or need. Plus he’s still wary and terrified of men and he growls menacingly at kids. Otis clearly has been through a few sad things before ending up happily with me, he didn’t use to display these problem behaviours, he’s not perfect, between us we’ve some serious work to do, but I am entirely committed.
