Art

Inside

We love you Bo Burnham. Inside is a miserable joy. Is this heaven or is this a white woman’s Instagram. The I feel like a duffel bag of shit song was also brilliant. Happy birthday btw. What a way to ring in your 30th. That shit was lit. We’re so thankful for you. All our heroes have fucked themselves lately, shot themselves in the foot, destroyed their careers and ruined everything, we don’t even know who we’re fans of any more except for you, so thank you.

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Portrait

Beautiful Friend

I always meant to write you, to contact you again, check in on you, see how you were doing, let you know I was thinking about you, let you know I cared. I thought about doing this so many times, I thought about it, but I never actually did, and now I’ve missed my chance. I should have tried harder to be there for you, I should have been a better friend. Maybe I could’ve helped you, maybe I could have helped to save you, and now I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself. I’m sorry you’re gone, I’m sorry I failed you. Goodbye, beautiful friend.

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Advice

Love is The Answer

When she says I’m fine she is not fine. If she says nothing’s wrong everything is. When you are fighting and she walks away you must go after her. Everything takes effort, even love, the harder you love, the better love is. You cannot live if you don’t forgive. To stay young, you must stay positive. Every day is a new chance to improve, if things get better or if things get worse is up to you. Bitterness is the same as death. Everything good is on the other side of apathy and fear, and love is the answer, because love is all there is.

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Event

Drawing Boards

I had my first ultrasound and was told this wasn’t a viable pregnancy. A fetal heartbeat could not be detected. When I heard this I couldn’t understand or accept it. I was unprepared for this news. I was there to be reassured that there were no chromosomal abnormalities and that the pregnancy was progressing well, I didn’t expect to be told that the pregnancy was unviable and that there was no heartbeat. When I was pregnant with Asha and had my first ultrasound, hearing her heartbeat was the first most profound moment of connection with her. It was extremely special and beautiful. Dylan and I were on the verge of tears. This time Dylan wasn’t there and there was no heartbeat. The absence of it was absolutely crushing. I left the lab feeling empty and dazed. I had a second ultrasound that confirmed the results of the first. I was diagnosed with early pregnancy loss at eight weeks. Seeing the embryo silent and inert in the picture was devastating. I know that miscarriages are common and to some extent I should have expected this to maybe happen but I just never thought it would happen to me. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I couldn’t help wondering what I did wrong. I couldn’t help feeling that the miscarriage was somehow my fault. I go into surgery today at 12:30 PM to get a D&C. Dilation and curettage is a procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus. Doctors perform it to treat certain uterine conditions like heavy bleeding or to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage or abortion. The procedure only takes 5 minutes but I have to remain at the hospital for a while to make sure everything is fine. Then I have bedrest for 2-3 days and I’ll be taking medication for discomfort and pain. If I have excessive bleeding I’ll have to go to Emergency, otherwise I just have to rest and get better. Then it’s back to the drawing board. If we are unable to give Asha a brother or sister by ourselves we will adopt. This story will have a happy ending yet. Although I am feeling heartbroken and crushed I still have hope for the future. Things always get worse before they get better so that must mean something good is gonna happen soon.

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Being a Mom

Of the jobs I’ve had, the roles I’ve played, the things I’ve been, and the things I’ve achieved, being a mom is the best and my favourite. I never knew what was missing from my life until I had Asha. Now I know what love is. I’m so blessed and grateful to have such a bright and beautiful girl. They say being a parent is the toughest job and it’s true, but it’s also the most fun, the most important and the most rewarding. Happiness to all mothers. Happy mother’s day!

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Sharing

The One Good Thing

The one good thing with feeling shitty is I get to lie around and read all day and not feel guilty while everyone else does all the rest of the work that needs doing, which is a fairly big silver lining. I’ve read more these past two weeks than I have in the past two years and it’s good. I’m always meaning to read more but I never actually do it, so it’s fantastic to actually do something for which previously the best you had was the intention. It feels good which counterbalances the feeling shitty. I always mean to read more but what I really mean to do is write. First things first. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so they say. Currently reading the fully revised and expanded for the 21st century Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care 8th Edition, the one essential parenting book, a handbook for parents of developing children from birth through adolescence and so far it’s pretty excellent. I was worried when I was given the book that it would be dull and dated and barely relevant but actually it’s quite great. Also the latest revision was in 2008 so it’s not totally archaic. I’m learning a lot and also having what I already thought and knew be reaffirmed. For audiobook format, I’m listening with Dylan to The Marathon Don’t Stop: The Life and Times of Nipsey Hussle by Rob Kenner and it’s awesome but also very sad. Of all the people to be gunned down right in front of the place he felt most at home. Nipsey Hussle was an amazing person. The world lost someone very special and beautiful. I feel especially sad for Nipsey’s wife and his two kids. I don’t think the man who killed him can ever be forgiven. Pictured is Nipsey’s beautiful son who was the same age as Asha is when his father was murdered.

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Sharing

If You’re Wondering

I’ve been a bit quiet this whole past while if you’re wondering why it’s because I feel shitty all the time. I feel shitty all day long, all day every day, and I feel like doing nothing but breathing shallowly and lying around. I also feel anxious and guilty and worried. Apparently everything I am feeling is common and normal and to be expected and apparently it’s all very good. Apparently the sicker a woman feels, the healthier, smarter and stronger her baby will be and the more likely it will be a boy. I think this probably is a bunch of nonsense people tell pregnant women to make them feel better about feeling sick. That said, I hope it’s true anyway, because actually it does help, in its superstitious superficial way. I’ve been reading a lot, researching, studying, preparing, reminding myself about all the things to expect and watch out for. I’ve learned that it’s extremely rare for a 45 year old woman to get pregnant naturally, like under 5%, without the aid of expensive fertility treatments, and without having to resort to frozen eggs or surrogates. I’ve also learned that in the extremely rare case that a 45 year old woman does get pregnant, upwards of 60% of these women have miscarriages, that’s about two thirds of the group. That’s a whole lot of miscarriages. So I’ve got to be thankful and I’ve got to be careful. This is a very special pregnancy and will be a very special child, if only because the circumstances themselves are extremely rare and special. I’ve just got to be confident and cautious and take absolute care, since it would be heartbreaking if I did have a miscarriage, especially since I already opened my big mouth and prematurely stupidly told the whole world I was having another baby. But I will be confident and cautious and I will take absolute care. Everything is going to be okay. Asha is incredible, our gorgeous darling perfect sweet angel, and her brother or sister I am sure will be too. Finger crosses. Please wish us well, send us good energy and good thoughts. Help me get through the shittiness and arrive at that place of health and good feeling. Thank you for caring. Thanks for your support and friendship.

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Photography

20 Minutes

For Asha‘s second birthday, we booked a 20 minute mini session with My City Photos, a local photographer in our area. During the shoot, Asha screamed and cried and was maximally difficult and unmanageable. She has what I call Opposite Syndrome (“Oppositional Defiant Disorder,” corrected Dylan) which means she knows what it is you want her to do and she’ll do everything in her power to do the opposite. I was sure the shoot was a bust, but when we were shown the shots, I liked so many of them I found it impossible to narrow my choices down to the allotted five. Our photographer is so great with kids and she’s so good at her job the shots she got make it seem like Asha was on her best behaviour and enjoyed herself the whole time. “That comes with hiring a professional,” said Dylan. “Incredible,” I said. Here’s some of our favourite shots from the shoot that went better than we thought. Big thanks to LL, our photographer, you killed it, we look forward to shooting with you again and often.

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Event

Incoming

INCOMING! A BROTHER OR SISTER FOR ASHA! I’m thrilled. I never had a big solid family growing up so it’s extremely important and meaningful for me to make my own. I’m gonna give my children all the encouragement, support and love I never got. Asha is entirely marvelous with just her I’m already so thankful and happy, but I think giving her a brother or sister to grow up with is the right thing to do. Another Asha! I can’t wait. This is gonna be great.

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Advice

Frequency

There is a frequency that is unique to you and your job is to locate it. There is so much noise around you, so many influences, but where you want to be is in your own natural frequency, in your own natural energy source. You have to locate it, and you locate it through stillness. Be still and listen to your body, listen to your gut, listen to your heart. Listen for that frequency. It’s there. You’re connected to it. Create space in your consciousness for your frequency to shine. That’s what owning yourself is. Owning who you are is what it all comes down to, and it is in the stillness that these messages can make themselves known.

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