Vignette

Fatherhood

We go out for Korean BBQ so often my baby’s going to be part Korean. While she’s in utero all the food’s going to fuse with her DNA. If Maury Povich did a paternity test he’d probably find that Korean BBQ was just as much the father as Dylan is. If Maury said, “And the father is… Korean BBQ” I don’t think anyone would bat eyes. Maybe we can sue Korean BBQ for child support.

Standard
Family

13 Days

Baby’s little shoe collection so far. I die. Also I have so many scrumptiously adorably delicious little outfits for her, it’s shocking how already elaborate and cute her wardrobe is. Girlfriend’s going to have to have hourly outfit changes. Speaking of baby, I can’t believe I’m only 13 days away from my due date. Terrified, so excited, I’m not ready, I can’t wait. Jesus christ, fucking hell, holy shit.

Standard
Dialogue

Spot Stealer

Chief resident spot stealer. Daisy loves my big boof boof soft downy pale green coat so much, all the dogs do, I’m thinking of getting a second one just for them to cozy up in, I feel so badly taking it away from them, the second I take it off, one of them, especially Daisy, already immediately is lying in or on it.

Standard
Dialogue

Can’t Wait

I put hot sauce and mustard on fucking literally everything it drives Dylan mad he’s always lecturing me until I have to remind him that it’s not up to him I can do whatever I want he’s not the boss of me. In other news I just did my first laundry load of tiny little baby clothes and I just about burst into tears it’s all so motherfucking cute. Literally the world’s cutest load of laundry. Can’t wait to put these tiny adorable clothes on an actual baby.

Standard
Advice

Slay, Bitch

It’s wrong to be a freeloading mooch but it’s also wrong to be greedy and selfish. Be generous but don’t let people take advantage of you. Be nice and be kind but don’t be a doormat. Be good but don’t be boring. Be bad but don’t be a piece of shit. Also don’t forget to have fun. Life is a beautiful adventure, not some kind of unending punishment, or a goddamn funeral. So slay, bitch, slay. Living your best life is up to you, no one is going to do it for you.

Standard