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Thirteen

Okay so I’m throwing a big special 13th anniversary 3rd wedding housewarming birthday party rave! Here’s my Amazon wish list in case y’all wanted to buy us gifts シ My birthday’s not until October 12 and the party’s on October 13 but some of the listed items are from China so I want to leave sufficient time for shipping. This actually might be the greatest wish list ever created, I had a lot of fun making it. In fact I forced Dylan to look at it often while I made high pitched sounds and behaved excitedly. “Only you,” said Dylan. But take a look, because it’s just a sensational collection of items. If you know anyone who is even remotely like me, they’d be stoked to receive anything from this list.

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If It’s True

If it’s true that dealing with many sudden and intense episodes of morning sickness , vomiting and nausea in the first trimester is a sign of a healthier more intelligent child , than this baby is going to be an athlete and a genius. I’m kind of thinking though that they tell women these things to make all the suffering easier. If it’s true though than yeah, I’ll fucking suffer. It’s just annoying that all the things I usually do or take to deal with feeling shitty are off the table so I’m up “shit creek” so to speak and all I can do is complain. For all of you who don’t enjoy a complaining woman shut the fuck up and let a lady air her grievances. If all she’s “allowed” to do is bitch about shit in order to feel better, than let her, don’t take that away from her too. Just listen, tell her you’re sorry she feels badly, and tell her she’s beautiful, even if it isn’t true. Because as somebody once said, all women need to keep living are water, food and compliments. Thankfully these bouts of feeling shitty are brief. I just scooped both dogs up in my arms, held them tight, danced with them, sang them a song, felt joyful and buoyant. Looks like I’m in for a fucking real rollercoaster of a ride, and so especially is Dylan.

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Destroying Reality

At my 13th anniversary 3rd wedding weekend housewarming birthday rave, RuPaul will officiate, William will give me away and Bassnectar will dj. Gala and Anastazia will stand in for our parents, YO-LANDI will be Maid of Honour, AquariaHungryKim Chi, Valentina and Violet Chachki will be bridesmaids. Devon will be Best Man alongside DovChrisChrisStephan and Robb G. Feather will be the Ring Bearer and the Flower Girl will be Daisy. Dylan will wear a white suit by Rick Owens and I will wear a black gown by Gia Gelareh. Dinner will be by Morimoto. There will be dancers, twerkers, strippers, hoopers, silk workers and ballet. Illusionists will perform magical tricks and special friends will make special speeches so we can hear nice things said about us all evening. Musical guests will be ill.GatesNIGHT NURSEWhat So NotSean PaulDillon FrancisSkrillexCongo NattyChopstick DubplateDubconsciousAphex TwinDie AntwoordMr. CarmackDiplo and , and all the drag queens will put on a sensational show. This will be one for the books. Maybe not all my dreams will come true but at least no one can fault me for thinking too small or being boring. The world inside my head is exciting and beautiful, I don’t know if you noticed. I think the best way to destroy reality is to dream the drabness away. Imagination is the mother of invention and I’ve got dreams for days.

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Death Drop

Ever since I became a lazy motherfucker (aka married) I no longer prance around in 6″ stilettos and do death drops on a pile of speakers. Instead I wear running shoes and dirty sweatpants for like five days straight. Dylan’s gone from irrelevantly reassuring me that I don’t need to spend three hours getting all dolled up or wriggle myself into insane outfits since I’m naturally already beautiful to sadly asking me to take a shower at least once across a calendar year. But cake can’t be both had and eaten. Bed made, now lie!

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After the Storm

Lightning in a Bottle was fantastic.

Kaytranada, Machinedrum, Bassnectar, Troyboi, Stephan Jacobs vs ill.Gates were the standouts. Ivy Lab was very outside the box, extremely left field and challenging, I described them in the moment as difficult and awesome. Big Wild was my favourite, he made me tremendously happy, his set was basically perfect. The only flaw with it all was that it was over too soon. Fastest fucking week of our lives. Some of the scheduling was tough with acts on at times that were impossible for us so sadly we missed KMLN, Filastine, Naughty Princess, El Papa Chango and Headphone Activist.

Also the late night offerings were confusingly poor. We trudged around helplessly for hours trying unsuccessfully to find a decent afterparty to take us to dawn while everything descended inexorably into house music. The house music was omnipresent and inescapable. At one point we traveled clear across festival grounds to escape bad house music only to be confronted with more bad house music. The inescapability approached comical if it all​ ​wasn’t so ​actually awful.​

​​But this isn’t meant to be some kind of diatribe against house music,​ ​it’s a diatribe against bad music.​ I​f it’s repetitive, forgettable, lifeless and boring,​ ​I’m​ ​not going to like it,​ ​I​ ​don’t care what genre of music it is. I’m starting to realize something I’ve known all​ ​along: what all these festivals is missing is me. Next time ill.Gates and NIGHT NURSE gotta go rogue. Ideally we should play the final hours and close​ ​out the ​show. ​All’s well that ends well. ​End on a high note​.​

We met a handsome hippie hipster and shared our wine with him, exchanging jokes and quips in the dark until the warm brightness of morning. Our new friend was one of Dylan’s fans and spoke knowledgeably about Dylan’s Billie Holiday song. He then talked fondly of his mother who was a nurse, I said it’d be fucking rad to have a goddamn mother who was a fucking nurse. “It’s awesome,” our new friend said. “She is amazing, really good, hardworking, loving, and with a smile that could melt an iceberg.” “Well we know now who to blame for global warming,” I said. “Wipe that smile off your face, woman. Snow, damn it, we need snow!”

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In Quickness & in Stealth

You may burn the bride

I’ve written another book! It’s a carefully compiled short stories collection concerning the topic of what it’s like to be a wife in general and what specifically it’s like being married to Dylan. Help me publish and promote my work by becoming my patron. You can pledge as little as $1/month and you can change or cancel your subscription at any time. Thanks! I love you guys.

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