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Audition

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Our regular maid went MIA so we had to audition a new maid. I joined this great service that has a great app and great prices. I’ve been assigned a team of pros I can choose from and one of them is a young muscular handsome black man with bleach blonde hair. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve had a male maid, let alone a young muscular handsome black man with bleach blonde hair. I think women typically houseclean better than men, but I didn’t want to be sexist so I gave him a chance. I said to Dylan, “Well I’ll be damned. When ever is your maid a young muscular handsome black man with bleach blonde hair?” Dylan nodded his agreement. “It’s so LA,” I said. Dylan said, “Yeah and he’s cool too. But I think Ali Wong would caution me against that guy. That man is a marriage grenade.” “Ha ha ha!” I said. And I laughed a bit too loudly.

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Event

Thirteen

Okay so I’m throwing a big special 13th anniversary 3rd wedding housewarming birthday party rave! Here’s my Amazon wish list in case y’all wanted to buy us gifts シ My birthday’s not until October 12 and the party’s on October 13 but some of the listed items are from China so I want to leave sufficient time for shipping. This actually might be the greatest wish list ever created, I had a lot of fun making it. In fact I forced Dylan to look at it often while I made high pitched sounds and behaved excitedly. “Only you,” said Dylan. But take a look, because it’s just a sensational collection of items. If you know anyone who is even remotely like me, they’d be stoked to receive anything from this list.

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Vignette

Clones

I said, “I wish there were ten of me to get a ton of shit done every day all day that would be amazing. It would be perfect, we’d all do great work with great results and I wouldn’t have to explain anything, because they’d all be me, so I’d always do what I want in the way that I want at all times always. I could dance, draw, eat, exercise, learn a language, learn an instrument, make music mixes, read, relax, shop, sleep, study, travel, write, paint and create, all at once. I think God really fucked up by not giving me this option.” Dylan said, “So do I get to make out and have sex with all of the clones?” “Listen, buster,” I said. “The clones are for me to make mad progress from many highly productive simultaneous actions. They’re not for you to get your rocks off. You’re not supposed to disrupt my work.” Sheesh. Husbands. “So, no?” said Dylan.

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Dialogue

Always Asking

Since everyone is always asking, I am 42 years old, and I turn 43 in October. My birthdays are October 8 and October 12, yes I have two birthdays. I used to hide my age or lie about it but now I realize that that’s fucking dumb. There’s nothing wrong whatsoever with whatever age you are, what’s wrong is being made to feel embarrassed or ashamed about something as natural and beautiful as growing up.

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Pets

Weightless

Feather and Daisy fill me up with intense sensations of happiness and affection and colossal amounts of nearly unfathomable joy. They make my heart feel weightless, they make it float and explode. I love these two a hundredfold. Maybe I love them a thousandfold. All of the folds.

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Event

If It’s True

If it’s true that dealing with many sudden and intense episodes of morning sickness , vomiting and nausea in the first trimester is a sign of a healthier more intelligent child , than this baby is going to be an athlete and a genius. I’m kind of thinking though that they tell women these things to make all the suffering easier. If it’s true though than yeah, I’ll fucking suffer. It’s just annoying that all the things I usually do or take to deal with feeling shitty are off the table so I’m up “shit creek” so to speak and all I can do is complain. For all of you who don’t enjoy a complaining woman shut the fuck up and let a lady air her grievances. If all she’s “allowed” to do is bitch about shit in order to feel better, than let her, don’t take that away from her too. Just listen, tell her you’re sorry she feels badly, and tell her she’s beautiful, even if it isn’t true. Because as somebody once said, all women need to keep living are water, food and compliments. Thankfully these bouts of feeling shitty are brief. I just scooped both dogs up in my arms, held them tight, danced with them, sang them a song, felt joyful and buoyant. Looks like I’m in for a fucking real rollercoaster of a ride, and so especially is Dylan.

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Thoughts

God is Dead

When I have a baby, I’m gonna spend the nine months deep inside a k hole coming out just long enough to smoke cigarettes and drink vodka straight from the bottle. Then I’m gonna head straight for a c-section and tell them to give me like ten epidurals so that I’ll feel zero pain and have to do zero work. Then I’m gonna breastfeed the kid wherever I damn well please and for as long as the damn kid needs it, I don’t give a fuck if he’s seven. And I’m gonna homeschool him and never get him vaccinated not because I’m an anti-vaxxer per say but just to piss people off. I’m hoping my child’s first words will either be “God is dead” or “Go fuck yourself.” Anyway no I’m not being completely serious though I kind of wish I was, and I’m not as angry as I sound, in fact I’m smiling right now. I’m listening to Rage Against The Machine’s self-titled first album at top volume on the PK sound system and it’s awesome. God bless America.

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Event

Destroying Reality

At my 13th anniversary 3rd wedding weekend housewarming birthday rave, RuPaul will officiate, William will give me away and Bassnectar will dj. Gala and Anastazia will stand in for our parents, YO-LANDI will be Maid of Honour, AquariaHungryKim Chi, Valentina and Violet Chachki will be bridesmaids. Devon will be Best Man alongside DovChrisChrisStephan and Robb G. Feather will be the Ring Bearer and the Flower Girl will be Daisy. Dylan will wear a white suit by Rick Owens and I will wear a black gown by Gia Gelareh. Dinner will be by Morimoto. There will be dancers, twerkers, strippers, hoopers, silk workers and ballet. Illusionists will perform magical tricks and special friends will make special speeches so we can hear nice things said about us all evening. Musical guests will be ill.GatesNIGHT NURSEWhat So NotSean PaulDillon FrancisSkrillexCongo NattyChopstick DubplateDubconsciousAphex TwinDie AntwoordMr. CarmackDiplo and , and all the drag queens will put on a sensational show. This will be one for the books. Maybe not all my dreams will come true but at least no one can fault me for thinking too small or being boring. The world inside my head is exciting and beautiful, I don’t know if you noticed. I think the best way to destroy reality is to dream the drabness away. Imagination is the mother of invention and I’ve got dreams for days.

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